The Question of the Day is...Why.

Why.

It’s such a funny question.  Three simple letters, so much angst and anxiety.

I struggle.  I struggle to be confident, I struggle with feeling inadequate, I struggle. One reason I’ve always struggled with dating is that I am terrified of rejection.  I read a lot of romance novels, and anytime the heroine is rejected or perceives someone’s actions as rejection I get sick at my stomach and most of the time I cry.  I feel deeply for that fictional person, because I live in constant fear of it happening to me.

I think online dating helps with this in some respect, because there is that barrier of it not being in person.  Does the fact that I know not many people have “swiped right” on me feel great?  Well, no, but it’s not quite as harsh as standing in front of line of guys who walk by and say “Nope.” as they get to me.

The worst part of this Bumble experience has been the varying forms of rejection.  It comes in so many different ways.  There’s the extremely impersonal “he didn’t swipe right”, but who really cares.  The next issue really bothers me way more than it should.  Once two people are matched, the woman has 24 hours to contact the man.  Once she does, the guy has 24 hours to respond.  For someone who is uncomfortable making the first move, it seriously bothers me when the guy doesn’t respond.  It shouldn’t.  It should roll off my back, but that pesky little why word pops up, and won’t go away.  Was it my opening, was it my pictures, why?

Yesterday I experienced a new form of rejection from this lovely app.  The kind to make you really scratch your head.  I matched with someone on Wednesday.  He was definitely not the kind of person I would approach outside of a dating app, but isn’t that the point?  I’m broadening my horizons, or whatever.  I messaged him, he replied, and we had an actual conversation.  Things were looking up.  The same thing happened Thursday.  He initiated conversation, we talked about reading, jobs, personality traits, etc.  He asked me if I had always lived in Arkansas, then when I said yes, asked if I had traveled outside of the US.  I answered, he said he was impressed, he told me where he had been, we talked about that, then I asked if he had traveled in the US. He didn’t respond, but it was late, no big deal.

Fast forward to Friday.  I expected a response to my question, but never got one.  When I opened th app yesterday afternoon to look at my conversations, I notice my conversation with him has gone to the bottom of the pile and his picture is missing.  When I clicked on it, it said “Deleted User”.  As in this guy deleted his profile with no warning or explanation.  Now that why word was a big flashing red sign.  Was it something I said?  Was I being catfished?  Was he simply a jackhole who didn’t care.  I have no idea and the kicker is, I never will.  I’ll never get the answers to these questions.

I guess the ability to let it go would be personal growth.  So here’s to personal growth, and fewer jackholes.